Hi! It is interesting looking back on the years. I have become a professional photographer but I must admit that I am no longer enamored with photography. In fact, I dread picking up my camera. Im not sure what it is actually, just this sense that I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing... that I am not on my path. Maybe it was my path but I was supposed to get off of it a while back, only I didn't know how, so just kept moving, or attempting to move, forward. I don't know, maybe it was the 16 hour days that killed it, or maybe it was that every time I tried to move forward I was told my images weren't good enough, didn't have that "je ne sais quoi." Hearing that multiple times from agencies starts to make you wonder why you are shooting for other people if no matter how many hours you spend studying and practicing technique it doesn't seem to move your career forward. How does anyone ever get a hand up to push their career forward? I don't know. All I know is that the doors seemed closed more often than opened, no matter how long and how hard I knocked.
And then of course, the long hours of marketing and lukewarm response. The posting to social only to get a paltry number of likes after spending 8 hours pouring my soul into creating an image. The hours of creating and doing presentations and zero new clients. Okay, so people don't like my work. Fine. I will just do it for myself and only me.
I feel so wistful looking through my blogger and tumblr. Those times I was posting to both were times where I loved taking photos and was excited for my career. I look at those images and it is obvious to me and I don't understand how so few others saw it, saw what I see in them.
So, I am looking for a job. Something that will allow me to take a break from making money off of my photos, and hopefully give me the time and space to take a step back and forge a new relationship with photography, eventually. I want to use the skills I have gained meanwhile, or the skills I gained in college. Something in sustainability would be nice, but I'd love to work for a state agency. I always wanted to work at the DEQ after my internship there. They weren't hiring "for the foreseeable future" due to the great recession, so I became a photographer instead.
I'm proud of how much my eye developed over the years. I am proud that I can look at a pinterest board, get an idea of what the client wants lighting wise, and then deliver that. I learned natural and studio lighting, architectural lighting, portrait lighting, composition, etc. and so much more, but somehow I lost my ability to have fun with it. Still, I am proud that I was able to teach myself so much just from watching YouTube videos and CreativeLive, and reading forums and books. I never really made enough to do any high end workshops... or to buy a house... or to become financially free. And since those were all some of my goals in life, it's probably just time to move on.
This sounds sad, but it really isn't. The only sad part to me is that I no longer love photography. But I want to love it again, and so... I must leave it for a bit. I am looking forward to it. There is so much more to life than being self-employed and spending all of your time looking for work or working. I'm excited for the future fun, less stress and a new relationship with photography coming my way, and excited for whatever job I take and my new colleagues!